July 14, 2001

ShareSite on Finance: Evil Doesn't Pay

This had me laughing for a good fifteen minutes...


Sharesite: Evil companies fall out of favour with investors

Evil companies fall out of favour with investors
By Agatha Bovine  Wed Jul 4 2001
"Evil doesn’t pay." This statement becomes increasingly accurate as the combination of terrorist activity, product failure and the turning tide of public opinion plays havoc with the fortunes of evil companies.
"The public questions the morality of companies whose mission statements list 'ultimate world domination' amongst their management goals."
The Evil 100 Index, which tracks the share prices of such prominent Evil companies as Omni Consumer Products, Tyrell Corporation and Cohagen Off-Earth Air Enterprise, has taken a beating; lately, its key movers have all been moving down.

Increasingly, the public questions the morality of companies whose mission statements list "ultimate world domination" amongst their management goals. Just months ago similarl tough-talk wooed investors into the sector, and it seemed that an investment in evil was a one-way ticket to fabulous wealth and power.

This tide of negative market opinion coincides with the failure of a number of key Evil products. Omni Consumer Products (OCP), a long-time bellwether stock of the Evil 100, has revealed profits tumbling to an all-time low. This follows the disappointing and bloody launch of their latest urban pacification unit ED-209.

According to one analyst, when the malfunctioning ED-209 unit gunned down senior executive Mr.Kinney during a board meeting, it "metaphorically gunned down OCP’s share price."

Analyst Oliver Spummer, of investment bank Handy Dandy Damp & Pry, told ShareSite: "OCP's attempt to explain away the malfunction of its ED-209 model as 'just a glitch' has not pacified any of its investors. It's just too late for soft words - even the fact that they had twenty years of military sales and spare parts contracts isn't enough to cheer investors."

Tyrell Corporation suffers despite the continued success of its replicant manufacture business. Its share price has been dragged down in the wake of it's fellow evil companies as they plummet from recent historic highs.

A bitter Tyrell Corporation representative told ShareSite, "Our profits have never been better. We are a victim of the misfortune and mismanagement of other Evil firms."

The representative was quick to mention Cohagen Off-Earth Air Enterprise; the Mars-based air supplier was recently blown out of the Wazdaq and out of existence by terrorist activities, denting investor confidence in the Evil sector as a whole.

"Air supply was big business," a former Cohagen employee commented. "But when that meat-head Douglas Quaid found and activated the ancient Martian air-generation unit, we were doomed. Now I'm unemployed - but what can I do? Air supply is all I know! It's almost impossible to sell air to people who get it for free!"

However, there may be light at the end of the tunnel for the Evil 100 companies: Carver Media Group has announced a plan to fire nuclear warheads at Beijing, Weyland-Yutani ("The Company") is rumoured to be shipping a deadly alien species back to Earth for a series of gravely hazardous experiments and Cyberdyne Systems have proudly announced that their SkyNet super-computer has become self-aware.

Meanwhile, OCP remains bullish. "We have always dabbled in industries traditionally seen as non-profitable," said OCP Vice President Dick Jones.

Four ShareSite journalists were maimed in the writing of this article

Posted by DeLong at July 14, 2001 04:49 PM | TrackBack

Comments
Post a comment