February 28, 2004

Needed: More "Two Cows" Jokes

Parmalat:

You had two cows. But now you don't know where they are.

Pentagon:

Donald Rumsfeld informed the Congress that he had accurate satellite intelligence about where the two cows were. But he lied.

Extropian:

You had two cows. You operate on them using nanobots. They become superintelligent and take over the farm.

Bush Economic Policy:

George W. Bush promised during the campaign that even after big tax cuts for the $300,000+a year crowd the surplus would be big enough to buy everybody two cows.

Posted by DeLong at February 28, 2004 04:17 PM | TrackBack

Comments

FMA

You have two cows. They go to San Francisco and get married. Jerry Falwell preaches about the immorality of two cows laying together. Conservatives in congress try to pass the Federal Bovine Marriage Amendment.

The amendment fails after the Dept. of Agriculture tells all the sane congressmen that it doesn't matter; cows have been artificially inseminated against their will for years, thus killing this example's relation to real life.

Posted by: The Squire on February 28, 2004 04:40 PM

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Martha Stewart
You have two cows. You sell both of them and the price of cows immediately drop after you complete the transaction. You are indicted because you told investigators that you were a vegetarian and in the court, the prosecution introduces tape recordings of you threatening to turn the cows into hamburger.

Posted by: liberal japonicus on February 28, 2004 04:53 PM

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The Matrix
There are no cows.

Posted by: Alan K. Henderson on February 28, 2004 05:07 PM

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Both cows are dead. During the Clinton Administration, they caught a wasting disease whose incubation is precisely one presidential cycle. We can find at least one licensed vet to insist on this, although he may not be willing to stay on the farm very long. There may or may not be a new bovi-pathogen emerging, whose effects kick in between 4 and 8 years after infection. We will let you.

Posted by: Gerard MacDonell on February 28, 2004 06:24 PM

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Existentialist
There are two cows.
One is standing on the beach, staring at the sand...

Posted by: PigInZen on February 28, 2004 06:45 PM

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Jon Snow: Claims there are 4 cows. When it's pointed out that there really are only 2, says he's not sure how to reconcile those figures with the ones he has.

Posted by: pat on February 28, 2004 07:07 PM

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USDA--BSE

You have two cows. You test them both for BSE and they are OK. On this basis you declare the entire American herd free of the disease.

Posted by: P O'Neill on February 28, 2004 07:17 PM

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Neocon-Straussian

You have two cows. Wolves from Saudi Arabia and Pakistan eat them. You respond by killing off a pack of coyotes in Syria.

Posted by: Kevin A. Hayden on February 28, 2004 07:25 PM

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Faux Newsian

You have two cows. Only they're male. And there's four of them. Suddenly a snake appears with the capability to dispense with twice as much bull as any other organization. The snake admires Joe McCarthy, too.

Posted by: Kevin A. Hayden on February 28, 2004 07:32 PM

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Richard Perle

You have two cows. One is wary of you because in the past you milked it too hard, and gave the other cow a stick. So you kill both cows. No more problem.

Posted by: murph the surf on February 28, 2004 07:44 PM

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Surrealism

You have two giraffes. The government forces you to take harmonica lessons.

Posted by: Dennis O'Dea on February 28, 2004 07:59 PM

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Oh come on, Dennis.

Surrealism:

"My brother gave away a frog pond. Tomorrow, it snowed. What does a harmonica have to do with anything?"

(Actually, this works for "The Bush Budget Process", too).

Posted by: murph the surf on February 28, 2004 08:09 PM

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Dot Communism

There's Tucows. They purchase Blogrolling.

Posted by: Kevin Hayden on February 28, 2004 08:31 PM

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Mel Gibson: the passion of the Holy Cow.

Two cows beat each other to death.

Before dying each says to the other "VACCA STULTA." (Subtitle: "Stupid cow").


Posted by: PanJack on February 28, 2004 08:47 PM

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LotR
There is one cow that binds all the other cows to it in its power. The cow of power. A small person must throw this cow into a flaming orifice. Thus the land will be freed from the power of this cursed cow. There will be other cows in the land but we must presume they will simply be regular cows and thus we can sail off into the sunset. Undoubtably though some persons will have two cows. This will probably in all actuality lead to the fall of man.

Posted by: jose on February 28, 2004 08:56 PM

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Fred Phelps

Two cows burn in hell!

Posted by: patriotboy on February 28, 2004 10:03 PM

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Gale Norton

Two cows per acre are all that we need to institute our new National Parks intiative.

Posted by: patriotboy on February 28, 2004 10:08 PM

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Karl Rove

One cow with two ballots is the same as two cows with a ballot each. It'll free up some extra money we can use to scare the minorities.

Posted by: patriotboy on February 28, 2004 10:10 PM

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Diebold

One cow and three elephants, no problem.

Posted by: patriotboy on February 28, 2004 10:15 PM

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Department of Defence Office of Special Plans

Two cows both mooed when we said the word, "nuclear." That's all the confirmation we need Mr. Vice President.

Posted by: patriotboy on February 28, 2004 10:19 PM

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Wall Street Journal

Those two cows are lucky. They don't have to pay taxes.

Posted by: patriotboy on February 28, 2004 10:22 PM

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N. Gregory Mankiw

OK, so it wasn't such a good idea to outsource my two cows to India.

Posted by: patriotboy on February 28, 2004 10:35 PM

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Two cows = Weapons of grass destruction

Posted by: PanJack on February 28, 2004 11:08 PM

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American public: You have two sick cows which you've leveraged to the hilt. The government is outraged that they occasionally graze near a billboard displaying a lingerie advertisement.

Posted by: natasha on February 29, 2004 12:05 AM

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Ahmad Chalabi: "That man stole my cows. ...Okay, they were goats. ...Well, they were somebody else's goats. ...Fine, they were chickens. What have you got against chickens, anyway?"

Posted by: natasha on February 29, 2004 12:10 AM

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Why did the two cows cross the road?

Posted by: ogmb on February 29, 2004 12:51 AM

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Two cows walk into a commissary in Iraq and order some hay. It turns out to be moldy and full of insects. The civilian employee charges them 3.8 billion dollars. We don't get a lot of cows in here, he said. At these prices, the cows said, I'm not surprised.

Posted by: julia on February 29, 2004 04:30 AM

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Two cows walk into a bar.

Ouch.

Posted by: praktike on February 29, 2004 06:03 AM

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James Lileks:

Now there's a certain kind of person -- you know the kind: mop of greying hair yanked back into an effete ponytail, lips permanently twisted into an anti-American sneer, arms and legs Biafra-spindly but belly swollen to Michael Moore proportions from too much carb-laden tofu, BUSH LIED PEOPLE DIED t-shirt festooned with anti-nuke buttons from their radical days, bleating loudly enough to be heard across six tables of macrobiotic slop in their whole-grain hell-hole of choice that it's all about the milk, MAAANNN -- who will e-mail you all kinds of nutjob conspiracy theories about the two cows: that they were "disappeared" by an unholy neocon cabal, that the Bush economy drove them out of the milk business, and let's not forget the secret role of those top-hatted monocle-wearing greedheads at Halliburton... always adding how deeply, passionately they Care About The Cows.

Yeah. Right.

Well. I warmed up the old Lexis-Nexis and, after consulting with a cigar, watching a little 9-11 footage on DVD, and pouring a tasty bowl of Atkins porridge into my rock-hard stomach, dug up this anonymous bit of homespun wisdom from the January 17, 1952 Star-Tribune that pretty much sums it up:

"COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk."

Jaw. To. Floor. Men of that generation (and how do you know it wasn't a woman or a hermaphrodite or a "person of color?" the bloated hippie shrieks; Ahhh, shaddup, I explain) used fewer words to explain the Red Menace than this crowd uses to order coffee and a gluten-free muffin.

Perhaps attracted by my Promethian sigh, Gnat toddled over to Daddee's Puter and asked what I was doing.

Reading about cows, I said.

"You're funny, Daddee," she giggled.

That about says it all, don't you think?

Posted by: roy edroso on February 29, 2004 06:28 AM

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So, is Roy Edroso James Lileks, or is James Lileks Roy Edroso?

Posted by: keith on February 29, 2004 06:57 AM

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One for other Canadian readers.

Paul Martin:
"As finance minister I provided us with two fine healthy cows."

Paul Martin after the cows were given to a close friend of the Liberal party:
"Cows? what cows? They must have been Jean Chretien's cows."

Posted by: Tom Slee on February 29, 2004 08:19 AM

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Take two downers and call me in the morning.

Posted by: bobbyp on February 29, 2004 08:31 AM

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You have two cows.

Your rich neighbor has ten thousand cows. In an election year, he gives two of those cows to his congressman. He gives two each to his senators, and each member of his family gives two cows to the president's re-election campaign.

The following April, the government comes and takes one of your cows, and gives it to your rich neighbor.

In February, your other cow dies because someone dumped industrial waste in the aquifer. You can't sue, though, because a "no lawsuits over dead cows" clause was recently added to an omnibus appropriations bill.

The state comes and asks for your cow, because it's budget is in shambles. You don't have any cows anymore. The state takes your house.

While walking to the homeless shelter, you notice your rich neighbor putting his cows in semi trucks. "Where are these cows going," you ask a driver.

"Can't say," he replies. "It's a matter of national security."

"Seriously?" you ask, incredulous.

"Nah, just joshin' you," he says. "These here are being shipped off to an overseas cow shelter. He's tired of giving his cows to the government."

Posted by: John Lyon on February 29, 2004 09:08 AM

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Bushonomics:

You have a prizewinning bull that should survive to sire thousands of calves. The administration butchers it (promising beef for everybody), then feeds huge filet mignon cuts to its campaign donors, and serves everyone else a great steaming pile of bullshit.

Posted by: eyelessgame on February 29, 2004 09:09 AM

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Two liberal cows have blogs. They both post stories about the terrible things the farmer is doing.

Two freepers show up, make rude comments, then go back and tell all their thousands of freeper friends how stupid the liberal cows are.

The two liberal cows post follow up messages, wondering why their stories about the terrible things the farmer is doing aren't in the mainstream press, and why middle class cows just don't get it.

Posted by: Two Liberal Cows on February 29, 2004 09:16 AM

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Has anyone thought to put the two cows into something like a lock box?

Posted by: concerned party on February 29, 2004 09:59 AM

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Supreme Court:

The American people vote you two cows.

The Supreme Court rules 5-4 that they voted you one cow.

Sandra Day O'Connor writes in the plurality opinion that the Equal Protection Clause says two cows are unconstitutional, but then adds that this case should not be used as precedent in any future bovine disputes. She is joined by the Chief Justice and Anthony Kennedy.

Mr. Justice Stevens, joined by Breyer, Souter and Ginsburg dissents eloquently, arguing that you are, in fact, entitled to two cows.

Justices Scalia and Thomas concur with the plurality, adding that Justices Stevens, Breyer, Souter and Ginsburg are "cow-hating communist whores who would be milked and slaughtered in a just society."

George Bush takes your cow.

Posted by: The Head of Alfredo Garcia on February 29, 2004 10:34 AM

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I don't know what happened, my cows went mad and now all I have is this stupid McManufacturing job.

Posted by: bcinaz on February 29, 2004 11:21 AM

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John Ashcroft:

You have two cows?
Did you acquire them after Sept. 11, 2001?
Were foreign funds involved in their purchase?
Have you are your cows traveled to and/or from any Middle Eastern or Muslim country in the past five years?

Since cows produce a dangerous form of methane gas, often used by terrorist groups in urban attacks, owners of one cow or more are required, under provisions of the Patriot Act to register with the Bovine Directorate of the Bureau of Weapons of Really Mass Destruction-like Products of the Department of Homeland Security.

Failure to do so could result in prosecution and confinement in some prison hellhole of the government's choosing.

Oh, and we're on Alert Level Double Secret Code Mauve.

Posted by: Dave In Texas on February 29, 2004 12:03 PM

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Rod Paige:

The two cows are a terrorist organization.

Posted by: notapipe on February 29, 2004 04:09 PM

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Anton Scalia:

I'm not going to recuse myself from Cows v. Ashcroft just because I recently shot two cows.

Posted by: notapipe on February 29, 2004 04:12 PM

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Arnold Schwarzenegger:

You have two cows. He allows you to keep your cows - but only if you agree to sign away your children's rights to the offspring of your two cows. In exchange, he allows you to keep an extra bottle of milk from the state's milk registration tax.

(Long after you are dead, your children curse your rotted flesh for having made such an asinine trade as they try to eke out a cowless living).

Posted by: eugene on February 29, 2004 04:48 PM

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UK Agribiz. You have two cows. You feed one to the other.

Posted by: Nabakov on February 29, 2004 04:55 PM

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Charles Krauthammer:
Those two cows suffer from Beef Derangement Syndrome: the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal cows in reaction to the policies ... -- nay -- the very existence of the butcher.

Mel Gibson:
Are there slaughterhouses? Yes. And some of those slaughtered were cows.

George W. Bush:
The disappearance of those two cows happened during the previous administration. Now excuse me, I have to serve filet mignon to some of my campaign donors.

Posted by: Joshua on February 29, 2004 05:27 PM

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Sherlock Holmes:

Consider the two cows who did not moo in the daytime.

Posted by: Kip W on February 29, 2004 06:01 PM

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Scott McClellan:

Q: Scott, the President stated today that he has two cows . . .

MR. McCLELLAN: Uh, Helen, what the President said is that he has always understood the sanctity of cow-ownership and wants to protect it for the American people.

Q: But he DID say he has two cows . . .

MR. McCLELLAN: Helen, I think it's obvious that the concern demonstrated by the President over this serious issue is nothing new.

Q: He SAID *TWO* *COWS* dammit! Why can't you simply admit it?

MR. McCLELLAN: Uh, next question? Fred?

Posted by: Realist on February 29, 2004 06:05 PM

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Fred Phelps, redux:

Actually, it's two BULLS who will burn in Hell.

Posted by: Realist on February 29, 2004 06:07 PM

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Or...
God hates two cows.

Posted by: poop ruiz on February 29, 2004 06:21 PM

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Iraqi National Council:

If you keep shelling out the cash, we'll tell you anything you want to hear about how many cows that guy's got.

Posted by: Johnny on February 29, 2004 06:49 PM

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Andrew Sullivan: I have two cows, and even though people warned me and warned me, I didn't believe it until last week -- the President wants to amend the Constitution to prevent bovine bonding! Well that's it -- no more rich cow-patties for *that* man! I *never!*

Scorpio
http://scorpio.typepad.com/eccentricity

Posted by: Scorpio on February 29, 2004 06:55 PM

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U hAv tUc0w3, d00d!

U DON'T NEED MICRO$OFT!

Posted by: Aaron Adams on February 29, 2004 07:11 PM

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Karl Rove: You have two cows. The first one is hidden in a spider hole in Iraq and you pull it out when your approval ratings drop. The other you keep tucked away in an Afghan cave until it's needed for the October surprise.

Posted by: Robert McClelland on February 29, 2004 07:22 PM

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Rush Limbaugh: Two cows made me take drugs.

Posted by: Robert McClelland on February 29, 2004 07:25 PM

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Fairy tales:

One cow jumps over the moon. The other cow has weapons of mass destruction.

Posted by: Zen on February 29, 2004 07:26 PM

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There are two cows. One won by half a million votes, but the other won by one vote.

Posted by: phil on February 29, 2004 07:55 PM

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Ari Fleischer:

What cows?

Posted by: Realist on February 29, 2004 07:57 PM

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Neil Bush

You come back to your hotel room to find two cows...

Posted by: Kennedy on February 29, 2004 08:00 PM

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Microsoft:

You make up a contest at http://www.imaginecup.com for college students where the prize is two cows. To win, all they have to do is build you a ranch and come up with new exciting ways for you to sell spoiled milk.

Posted by: Daniel on February 29, 2004 08:18 PM

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Vladimir Putin

Do not entertain even for a moment the vain hope that I might have forgotten how you came into possession of your two cows, Comrade.

Posted by: Michael Cucek on February 29, 2004 08:33 PM

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Republicans

You have two cows in a Red state. You send them to a state university that was built and is kept alive using federal money raised by Blue states. You still want another tax cut and call Democrats a bunch of socialists.

Posted by: Daniel on February 29, 2004 08:44 PM

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Bush: Saddam Hussein had 2 cows. We know that. He did not account for them. David Kay found dairy related program activities. Saddam Hussein branded his own cows.

Cheney: We know where the cheese is. It's in an area west of Chicago, east of Minneapolis and north of Little Rock.

Dean: You have the cows! You have the cows!

Kerry: When my country asked me to milk cows, I milked cows. When I was milking cows the President chose to ride in the rodeo. But nobody saw him train on the mechanical bull.

Edwards: There are "two cows" in America. One with thick, creamy milk that gets pasteurized and refrigerated for the wealthy. And one with sour and warm milk for everyone else.

Posted by: space on February 29, 2004 08:51 PM

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Science:

Two cows are chewing their cud out in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey, how about this mad cow disease? Pretty scary, huh?" The other cow says, "Don't talk to me. I'm a helicopter."

Posted by: Alan on February 29, 2004 09:23 PM

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You have two cows. They seem to think they are better than you, or at the very least your equal. They keep saying "Four legs good, two legs bad." The farm animals give you some trouble. You have to give up direct control of the farm. At first this seems like a disaster. Later it does not seem so bad - in exchange for money, some of the farm animals are willing to exploit the other farm animals as much as you ever did. The pigs, in particular, have a desire to run everything, and a desire to work with you to get out the product of the farm. The pigs have always envied your ablities and now that they run the farm they openly imitate what they remember of your mannerisms. In the end the pigs learn to walk on their hind legs, just like you. The two cows eventually are won over. To your surprise, the pigs are eventually able to get them to chant, "Four legs good, two legs better!"

PS. Roy Edroso parody of James Lileks was pretty damn funny.

Posted by: Lawrence Krubner on February 29, 2004 09:45 PM

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The Matrix

Eat the red cow.

The Gospel of John

In the beginning were two cows, and the two cows were with Cow, and the two cows were Cow. The same were in the beginning with Cow.

Shakespeare

Two cows or not two cows?

Samuel Beckett

COW 1: Moo.

COW 2: Moo.

They do not leave.

Posted by: boloboffin on February 29, 2004 10:14 PM

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Lao-tse:
The Cao that can be cowed is not the true Cao.
The Milk that can be milked is not the true Milk.

Wittgenstein:
The cow is everything that can be milked.
The cow which does not produce milk must be passed without mooing.

Proust:
At that era, in the country, there were two cows we used to follow, the first of which, being the simpler and more rustic of the cows, followed a path that led along a stream and across the meadow (that meadow where I often saw the peasant girl whose evident affection for the cow was to haunt my later life), and, continuing on, would come to a small church at which the cow would low with a plaintive wistfulness, indeed a melancholy, that quite distinguished this first cow, whose path I called "the Mooséglise Way", in my mind from that more elegant, and yet more boisterous, second cow, whose path traversed the poplar lane and the hawthorn hedges that bordered the grand estate, to end at the byre of our neighbor, whose daughter I spied upon as she played at being a milkmaid, and whose activities led me call this second path "the Milky Way".

Posted by: plover on February 29, 2004 11:22 PM

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Hamlet:

Two cows or not two cows. That is the question.

Posted by: same shit, Different Doug on February 29, 2004 11:37 PM

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The A-I Rottweiler: You have two cows. You train them to kill Palestinians. You do not understand why people are upset.

Arnold Schwarzenneger: You were once in a movie in which your character bench-pressed two cows. On the basis of this, you are put in charge of all the cows.

Jesse Ventura: Same, except that the two cows were wearing feathered boas.

Henry Hyde: What Clinton did with his two cows is an affront to the honest hardworking decent people of America, but what I did with my two cows is completely different, even though it was the exact same thing.

Posted by: agrajag on February 29, 2004 11:58 PM

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Alan Greenspan: It is vital that the Democratic President do whatever is neccessary to protect the stability and vitality of these two cows, so that the Republican President can use the two cows to play politics.

Posted by: agrajag on March 1, 2004 12:01 AM

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Michelle Malkin: It does not matter that my thoughts on the two cows are completely incoherent, because I am the only attractive conservative woman in America.

Posted by: agrajag on March 1, 2004 12:08 AM

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Nedra Pickler:
When you say that you have two cows, you fail to mention that you once dated a vegan.

Josh Marshall:
You have two cows. More on this later.

Posted by: Opus on March 1, 2004 12:52 AM

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DMCA
You have two cows and your neighbor has two bulls. Your daughter wants a calf she can raise and enter in the county fair. You and your neighbor let one cow and one bull mate, and one calf is born. Jack Valenti sues you.

Posted by: Opus on March 1, 2004 01:08 AM

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Markiw:
You have two cows, but their value as milk producers is diminished because cows in SE Asia are producing milk for much less. But it's your fault because your cows weren't meant for low-wage milk production. Retrain your cows to produce single malt scotch.

Posted by: Opus on March 1, 2004 01:14 AM

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Wash Times, featuring Comical Rummy :

An unnamed official at the pentagon confirmed the Washington Times the presence of two french passport wearing cows in irak, a fact still hotly denied by the french embassy.

Posted by: yabonn on March 1, 2004 03:25 AM

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Drudge: You have two cows. Developing...

Freeper: Yuo hav to cous.

Homer Simpson: Mmmmmm. Hamburger.

Bart Simpson: Don't have a cow, man.

Enron: You were supposed to get two cows when you retired.

Posted by: Moi on March 1, 2004 04:46 AM

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Vince McMahon:

Two cows will enter the steel cage and fight until.....

Posted by: gttim on March 1, 2004 05:42 AM

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Wittgenstein just shows a picture of a duckcow.

Posted by: carla on March 1, 2004 07:41 AM

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Bill O'Reilly: You have two cows. One is a conservative cow and one is a liberal cow. I drink equal amounts of milk from each cow. My critics would have you think that I prefer the conservative cow. Stuart Smalley would have you think that they are two conservative cows. But even though they are both registered as conservative cows, I'm telling you now that one is a liberal cow. I was in a hurry, you hear? SHUT UP!

Random Freeper: You have to cows. The librals want to take one of youre cows and give it to a drug addict. Then they want to take away youre guns so you can't protect the other cow from theives or disgisting sadamites who want to molest youre cow, and the librals want to promote their agends and crush the Judeo-Christian moral standard!!!

Don Rumsfeld: Did was say they had two cows? You bet we did. Did we ever say they had a bull? No sir. Any charges that I said they had a bull are total nonsense.

Ollie North: I had two cows. You can't prove that I sold those cows to a butcher and used the profits to fund Contras. Nowhere can you find anyone who accused me of that.

-----
Douglas Adams: You have two cows. Without warning, they turn into a blue whale and a potted germanium. Robots descend from the sky and destroy them both. You arrive at the scene five minutes before you left with a strong craving for tea and an unusual feeling that the number 42 is somehow of relevance.

Posted by: Discordia on March 1, 2004 07:43 AM

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Chimponomics: You used to have two cows, but now they've been outsourced to India. You're forced to take a part-time associate position at Cow-Mart, where your job is classified as "manufacturing" because you "manufacture" clean spots on the floor by using your shovel - excuse me, your Sanitary Fecal Removal Device - to scoop up the cowsh!t from the floor. Because you're a part-timer, you get no bennies.

The Cow-Mart store manager, however, is preparing to buy his first Beemer.

Posted by: Realist on March 1, 2004 08:11 AM

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Ann Coulter: Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like Liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing instead of just two cows.

Seinfeld: Whats the deal with those two cows?

Jerry Garcia: Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of two cows

Kerouac: Then I suddenly had the most tremendous feeling of the pitifulness of two cows, whatever they were, their faces, pained mouths, personalities, attempts to be gay, little petulances, feelings of loss, their dull and empty witticisms so soon forgotten: Ah, for what? I knew that the sound of silence was everywhere and therefore everything everywhere was silence.

alternate Kerouac: Now we must all get out and dig the river and the people and smell two cows

Nietzsche: Is man only a blunder of two cows? Or are two cows only a blunder of man?

Steinbeck: If he were two cows I wouldn't buy him.

Hemingway: Road to hell paved with two unbought stuffed cows

Hesse: Our whole civilization was a cemetery where Jesus Christ, and Socrates, Mozart and Haydn, Dante, two cows, and Goethe were but the indecipherable names on moldering stones; and the mourners who stood round affecting a pretense of sorrow would give much to believe in these inscriptions which once were holy.

Thomas Mann: the standard formula of longing -- impossible in this case, absurd, perverse, ludicrous and yet even here still sacred and respectable: ‘I love 2 cows!'

Rush Limbaugh: I want to eat two cows.

Posted by: Luke on March 1, 2004 09:01 AM

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Andrew Sullivan.

It doesn't matter how many cows you have. Just so long as you can take steroids, buff up and milk hot loads.

Posted by: SullyWatch on March 1, 2004 10:03 AM

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DLC:

You have two cows. Your cows are grazing way too far to the left of your field. We'll release our german shepherds, who will herd them further to the right of your field-- never mind its proximity to that meat packing plant.

Posted by: J. Puma on March 1, 2004 10:48 AM

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Seems like brad just opened a can of cows with this thread.


Les deux cows, c'est moi.

Louis XIV

Posted by: yabonn on March 1, 2004 10:57 AM

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Two Cows SOTU.

David Kays preliminary report is such that Saddam Hussein was engaged in secret two mass cows related activity and we know that he had illegal steroids and was giving them to friends of al qaeda-like terror steroid cow type individuals unlawfully entering the country from outside iraqi liberated cow territory.

Posted by: bcinaz on March 1, 2004 11:08 AM

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Hemingway: You have two cows, and the cows were in Paris that spring. Paris that spring was cold and damp and it always rained. It always rained in the spring in Paris when you went to the cafes and the cows were there.

A.

Posted by: Athenae on March 1, 2004 12:43 PM

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Andrew Sullivan
Cattle are being mutilated all over the county, but you don't speak out until your own ox is gored.

Posted by: Plus Distance on March 1, 2004 01:35 PM

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You have two cows. You think they are insured by the government.
Haaaaaahahahahaha!

Scorpio
http://scorpio.typepad.com/eccentricity

Posted by: Scorpio on March 1, 2004 01:36 PM

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Michele:

You have two cows....but hey, do what you want....you will anyway.

Atrios: Torture two cows - go!

Kevin Drum:

Welcome to another edition of Friday Cow Blogging!

Maru Soze:

You may have two cows, but that vacuous fraud Bunnypants aka Il Ducebag has all the rest hidden away in Dick "Chicanery" Cheney's undisclosed location. (Insert picture of Bush with Moe Fine haircut.)

Oliver Willis:

My, but the udders on those two cows are drool-worthy - RAWR.

Posted by: Elayne Riggs on March 1, 2004 01:46 PM

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Preznit Bush:

We got these two cows here, and they're the best two cows anybody's ever had. But the world's full of rustlers who want to do terrible, terrible things to 'em on account of them rustlers don't like us drinking our milk out of frosty mugs.

Everybody needs to give up all their rights and keep their opinions to themselves so I can protect our two cows by keeping all them foreigners with their rods and reels away from our lake. 'Cause . . . uh . . . Sept. 11 . . . you know . . . turned all the cows in the world into fishes.

Posted by: geener on March 1, 2004 03:52 PM

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Libertarian:

You have two cows. I have two cows. These two right here are my cows. Try to take them and I'll shoot you. I’m an expert marksman, you know. Oh, and I couldn’t care less about your cows. You keep them. They’re kind of skinny anyway.

Green:

You have two cows. I cry when I think of their fate. You know they’re going to end up smashed in the head with a sledge hammer and fed into a McCorporate meat grinder and served up to some unsuspecting MTV sex-crazed teenager who will break out in pimples and premature breasts while the corporate robber barons laugh all the way to the bank. Dude, you really should sell them and get a goat and make cheese from its milk and fertilize your organic garden with its poop. Hey, want a hit?

Instapundit:

DeLong has two cows. Heh. Indeed.

Posted by: skb on March 1, 2004 03:57 PM

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Ken Lay:

You have two cows. This guy in Montana has two sheep. Now, we've noticed that sheep's wool futures are off in Glasgow, while cow's milk futures are up in Singapore. So, what we're proposing is to trade your cows milk to this guy in Singapore who will then leverage those profits and the weak dollar to get us an even better deal on sheep's wool from the guy in Montana that we will sell to this other guy in Cambodia thus propping up the price on sheep's wool there and then get Fidelity to market a new fund based on the arbitrage of Montana sheep's wool v. Cambodian sheep's wool that we will then sell to the Arkansas School Board to invest their retirement fund in. By the time anybody figures it out, we'll be sipping Margaritas and farting through silk in Bermuda.

Posted by: skb on March 1, 2004 04:14 PM

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That would be Glasgow sheep's wool v. Cambodian, of course. Some Andersen H1B screwed up our Excel pivot table for this deal. He's on a slow boat back to Mubai.

Posted by: skb on March 1, 2004 04:32 PM

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David Horowitz: You have two cows. One of them is a feminazi cow sociology professor that oppresses conservatives in campus. The other is a stalinist cow international relations professor that doesn't understand the neoconservative point of view. You create a website dedicated to smear these librul cow professors.

Posted by: John Lotts Calculator on March 1, 2004 05:27 PM

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Bill O'Reilly:
Six and a half years we've been on the air, and this is all this idiot has on me? That I said twelve cows when I meant two? This man is calling me a LIAR, ladies and gentlemen! In the old days, I would have shot his cows right between the head.

William Safire:
I have two cows. The Clintons are secretly using my Holstein as a stalking horse to keep the Gurnsey from getting too powerful. The convention gets thrown wide open! The herd is forced to turn to Hillary as its savior! HILLARY WALKS AWAY WITH THE NOMINATION! AAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!

Alan Colmes:
I have a goldfish.

Posted by: Plus Distance on March 1, 2004 07:11 PM

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For a list, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

Posted by: Tom Slee on March 1, 2004 07:17 PM

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If you really want em:

Anarchism:
You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal your neighbour's bull. You ignore the government. Meanwhile, your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

Aristocracy:
You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

Army -- United States:
You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.

Artist -- Visual:
You have two cows. You suspend them in formaldehyde in glass display boxes. In London. (See Damien Hirst.)

Baathism:
You have two cows. They compete in blaming everything on the Jews until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it would violate your sovereignty.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You don't bother to check if they have BSE, lest you find out, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy -- British:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the "all clear", and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy -- European Union:
You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

Bureaucracy -- Indian:
You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.

Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other. You are then paid to not milk cows.

Canadaism:
You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism - Canadian:
You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, and throws away the milk. You shoot yourself.

Capitalism - Hong Kong:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Due to recent events, the following closely related variation appeared recently...

Capitalism - Enron:
You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using Letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).

Capitalism -- New Economy:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed, to the other cow. Then you create a website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the 10c per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to 10c a few months later when the investors who bought it realise that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to ten years in prison, of which you actually serve seven weeks. When you come out, you buy two chickens.

Capitalism -- United States:
You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. You go into real estate.

Cartesian Dualism:
You have two cows. Therefore you are.

Catholicism:
You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.

Centralism:
You have two cows. They are in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Communism--Reality:
You have two cows. Technically, everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else because you are more equal than they are.

Usage dispute: If you own more cows you are LESS equal than they are!!!

Communism -- African:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

Communism -- Cambodian:
You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

Communism -- Chinese Cultural Revolution:
You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs", and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbours try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbours starve.

Communism -- Chinese #1:
You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonalds.

Communism -- Chinese #2:
You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

Communism -- Cuban #1:
Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen milk since 1975.

Communism: -- Cuban #2:
You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

Communism -- Cuban #3:
You used to have two cows, but they sailed to Miami.

Communism -- North Korean:
You have two cows. The government takes you and the cows hostage, guzzles both of them and nearly starves you, and then offers the world not to nuke it if the international community provides aid.

Communism -- Soviet:
You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a small amount of milk ... once.

Communism -- Stalinist:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

Conservativism:
You have two cows. You freeze the milk, embalm the cows and charge people to look at them..

Corporation, American:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Corporation, Brazilian:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Corporation, French:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Corporation, German:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Corporation, Indian:
You have two cows. You worship them.

Corporation, Italian:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

Corporation, Japanese:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

Corporation, Mexican:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

Corporation, Russian:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Corporation, Swiss:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

Counterculture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Dada:
You have two cows. Elephant.

Deconstructionism
You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?

Democracy #1:
You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

Democracy #2:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Democracy -- British:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Democracy -- Canadian:
The government gives two cows to natives with treaty status.

Democracy -- Floridian:
You have two cows, one black and one white. The voters are asked to name which one they prefer. Some who prefer the white cow vote for the black cow. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite but their votes are declared invalid. Some can't even figure out how to vote in the first place. After several weeks, outsiders come in and decide which one is your favorite.

Democracy -- Republic:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Democracy -- Singaporean:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Democracy -- South African
You have two cows. One is hijacked and the government redistributes the other one, in pieces, to previously disadvantaged fellow citizens. You live on the milk you stashed away during the apartheid years.

Democracy -- United States #1:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

Democracy -- United States #2:
You have two cows that your parents gave you. Your job provides you with four cows every month, but once a year, the government takes away 24 of them. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually most of your cows die from old age and over-milking. Then, the government provides you with half a cow every month (just enough so you don't starve)

Democracy -- United States #3:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Democracy -- United States #4:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports.

Despotism -- Modern:
You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent", call their government an "Enlightened Centralised Executive", and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dyslexia:
You have two woks.

Environmentalism #1:
You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die and illegalise the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.

Environmentalism #2:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Existentialism:
You have two cows. You declare "Hell is the cows". (See Jean Paul Sartre.)

Fascism #1:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Fascism #2:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Frisbeetarianism:
You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You smoke a joint and hope the government provides cow ladders.

Fundamentalism #1:
You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.

Fundamentalism #2:
You have two cows. The Bible does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.

Idealism:
You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

Industrialism:
You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

Labor Unionisim:
You have two cows. They band together with everyone else's cows to form the Cow People's Union, or CPU. They demand higher wages and shorter working hours. You respond by increasing wages and working hours. As your house burns and your windows are smashed in, you realise that your life depends on these cows, and their happiness is part of your survival. You decide to tell that to God.

Liberalism #1:
You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

Liberalism #2:
You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

Libertarianism #1:
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

Libertarianism #2:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Libertarianism #3:
You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

Marxism/Leninism:
The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cow-herds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrates over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

Militarism:
You have two cows. The government takes both cows and presses you into military service.

Nazism:
(See Dictatorship.)

New Dealism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

New Zealandism:
You have two sheep.

Nihilism:
There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe.

Pacifism:
You have two cows. They stampede you.

Perotism:
You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

Platonism:
You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

Plutocracism:
You have two cows. Your richer neighbours get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of "Cow-munism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.

Political Correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Protectionism:
You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

Protestantism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

Redistributionism:
You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

Republicanism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?

Simpsonism:
You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.

Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.

Socialism -- Bureaucratic:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Socratic Methodism:
How many cows do I have? Why?

Surrealism:
You have two cows. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Survivorism:
You have two cows. They get taken to a remote farm and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol". Then they vote each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.

Theocracy -- Iranian style:
You have two cows. All the world believes only one is a dictator and the other is a democrat, but you can't see any difference and badly want to get rid of both.

Theocracy -- Taliban style:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

Theocracy -- Saudi style:
You have two cows. The government says God has appointed it as the Eternal Guardian of the Two Holy Cows and pockets all the milk revenues. It grants you the choice either to spread the divine message or to suffer decapitation.

Taoism
The cow that can be milked is not the true cow.
(Good thing you have two.)

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

United Nationism:
You have two cows. France and Russia veto you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains. (see UN Security Council)

Posted by: DZ on March 1, 2004 08:05 PM

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First I upped the voltage to overfeed the cows to increase consumption/production. Then with a Danger Den watercooling unit installed I get ice cream instead of milk.

Posted by: plato_451 on March 1, 2004 08:07 PM

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Orwell:

You have two cows.
They are the damned.
It was behind the mirror.

Posted by: Steve Bates on March 1, 2004 08:17 PM

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Feminism:

You have two cows.
Once again demonstrating the omnipresence of patriarchy.

Posted by: unPC on March 1, 2004 08:38 PM

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* You have two cows. One cow is sick and can't afford health care. The other cow believes the free market will solve that problem. The sick one is killed and her parts are used for feed for the other cow. The other cow is then slaughtered, dispersed and eventually tests positive for mad cow disease, proving once again that the free market is working.

* You have two cows. They choose a homosexual lifestyle in udder defiance of nature. One cow gets a nipple ring; the other shaves her head. The scandal kicks off a drive for a Defense of Breeders amendment.

Posted by: Susie from Philly on March 2, 2004 07:03 AM

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GEORGE W. BUSH:
You have thirteen cows. Wait, they only have two cows? Hey, I'm not a statistician.

TONY BLAIR:
I could've sworn I only have two cows, but if Bush says I have thirteen...(sigh) OK, whatever.

TERRY McAULIFFE:
Does anyone know where those two cows were between the months of May and November in 1972?

TOM DeLAY:
What? We only have two cows? F$#! this, I'm taking some of the Democrats' cows. We'll say we're, uh, donating the milk to an orphanage or something.

ZELL MILLER:
I have two cows, but these cows have abandoned me. I now like chicken.

HOWARD DEAN:
I have two cows! YEEAHHHHH!

Posted by: Doug Gillett on March 2, 2004 08:24 AM

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One cow jumped over the moon, where we will create a staging ground for the cow to continue to Mars.

One cow is part of a new guest Cow program for currently illegal Cows.

The economy will produce an average of 132.7 million Cows this year.

"The President is not a dairy farmer."

Posted by: Bill Nazzaro on March 2, 2004 10:31 AM

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Yakov Smirnov: In Soviet Union, two cows have YOU!

Posted by: Neil on March 2, 2004 10:59 AM

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Not really funny, but...

Masai: You have, at minimum, two cows. Perhaps traded from an Arab or some Nilitic group further north. Through selective breeding and animal husbandry, you create a breed with ideal characteristics for your environment. Lacking real property or cash, you create an entire society based around cows as the measure of wealth and status. Herding acumen drives marriage eligibility, and the exhange of cows through dowries, inheritance, and kinship creates a system of interlocking relationships and obligations that enable you to maintain your unique culture and traditions in the face of tremendous outside pressure. After a thousand years or so, you hear by word of mouth that a senseless act of violence half a world away has caused massive death and suffering among people you don't know. You take two cows, and walk to Nairobi, and offer them to the U.S. Ambassador as a gift to the people of New York.

I may have the details wrong, but that's the gist of it.

Posted by: Hard Pressed on March 2, 2004 03:08 PM

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Greenspanomics:

We are in agreement with two cows. It would be entirely reasonable to surmise that, given the rising rate of milk production and the capital investiture of Nigerian bondholders - which disallow tax incentives beyond marginal accruals of buttermilk - that the advancement of dividends within the context of global monetary prisms should induce parallel growth cycles, by which I mean to say that projections of 2.1 cows is reasonable without tax increases, assuming the age of retirement is raised to 92, and you add an extra decimal point, followed by the numeral 'one' , preferably with the assistance of Mr. Mustard and his prorated candlestick.

Posted by: Kevin A. Hayden on March 2, 2004 04:04 PM

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Neil Bush: Two cows show up at your hotel door.

Posted by: Denise on March 2, 2004 04:58 PM

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connolly. just save me the SKINS when they die.

Posted by: Wole M. Fayemi on March 2, 2004 05:31 PM

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You have two cows. One of them makes a lot of empty noise about non-existent biological weapons and calls you "the Great Satan." No one takes the first cow seriously.

The other cow not only has nuclear weapons, it threatens to use them unless you give them money. Since this is an unstable cow to begin with, you consider it an imminent threat.

So you slaughter the first cow to scare the second cow.

Posted by: Susie from Philly on March 3, 2004 07:03 AM

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INEFFICIENT CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one cow and buy a bull.

EFFICIENT CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell the milk and buy sperm.

ENTREPRENEURIAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You start an escort service for bulls.

BUSH CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one cow and buy a bull. While you are waiting for the bull to arrive you eat the cow.

KOREAN GENETICIST CAPITALISM
You have one cow. No, eight. No, sixty-four. No, five hundred and twelve?

JAPANESE CAPITALISM
You have one cow. It keeps losing weight despite the fact that you paved over your entire farm to keep it happy.

CHINESE CAPITALISM
You rear two poor, anemic, sick and diseased cows until they are strong and healthy and growing every year. Then George Bush threatens to starve his own cows unless you revalue your milk.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You send one to fight in Iraq. After that, America agrees to buy your milk.

IRAQI CAPITALISM
You have one cow. Americans overthrow your evil landlord. Your cow is then raped and stolen. You see your cow on TV being used to shoot down an American transport.

NIGERIAN CAPITALISM
I have two cows but I?ll give you one if you help me remove them from a bank vault.

TERMINATOR CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You send one back through time to kill the other before it was calved.

BUSH ECONOMICS
You have a cow called Dollar. You push it off a cliff to provide work for veterinarians.

MUPPET ECONOMICS
You have a frog and a pig. John Ashcroft arrests them for what they get up to in the privacy of their own barn.

WHITEHOUSE
You have a cow and a bull. When the bull fails to produce milk, you tell everyone the cow is a CIA agent.


Posted by: Ronald Brakels on March 4, 2004 04:32 PM

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