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Posted by DeLong at May 5, 2004 08:15 AM | TrackBack | | Other weblogs commenting on this postMeeting Notes From the Warblogger's Convention, 5/4/04
Well, there's been some bad news over the last few months. Now, maybe "bad" is too strong a word. But things go up, and things go down, and we're in a bit of a downward swing right now. So I just thought we should have this tag up and see where we are, where we've come from, and where we're going.
First of all: if you jump off the bus while the bus is moving, you can't get back on the bus. That's a hard rule. When the bus pulls in to I Told You So Station, only people who stayed on for the whole ride get to say "I told you so". So let's be clear about that. If you jump off the bus now, you are going to get tumbled around and scraped up on the asphalt speeding below you, and you'll never, ever get to say "I told you so". I think the asphalt represents "hypocrisy" in this metaphor, but it might also represent hating America. I'll get back to you on that.
Second of all, things aren't so bad as they might be, and they could get better at any moment. Yes, people are dying by the hundreds, billions of dollars are being wasted, and our soldiers are torturing prisoners to death, but you've got to keep these things in perspective. Iraq is about the same size as California, and lots of bad things happen there. I think Iraq is also roughly the size of Texas, only slighly smaller than Nazi Germany, and just a smidge bigger than France. Iraq is much, much larger than the Neverland Ranch, so in a per-unit-area sense, there's no comparison at all. This last point is most illustrative.
Thirdly, it is important to remember that there's lots of stuff going on besides the war in Iraq. If I'm not mistaken, college newspapers are still running editorials, cartoonists are still making shocking cartoons, and journalism professors at satellite state college campuses are still leading teach-ins about Marxo-feminist paradigm shifts in hegemonic vegan post-modernism. Also, did John Kerry really throw his butler over the fence, or just his peanut butter sandwiches? I think I heard something about that, so he should release all his old peanut butter jars right away. It's an outrage. It would be a shame if events in Iraq were to shift our attention from these important issues, which, when you think about it, are really part of the same overall struggle against international terrorism. Just think about it. Are you thinking? See? The same thing. Also, look over there.
Fourth: we're going to win. Despite what the shrill and unbalanced critics may say in order to undermine our troops and embolden our enemies and make baby Jesus cry, we will be entirely successful in bring freedom and democracy related program activities to Iraq, exactly as promised. We have never deviated from this line, nor shall we.
And, finally, if things do go all to Hell, it is important to have an escape plan just in case. I'd recommend offering some tactical critique of the war now, maybe something about how Colin Powell was holding back our troops, making them fight with squirt guns or something. I believe we lost the Vietnam war because of similar mamby-pamby political interference. It might also be wise to blame Ted Koppell and others for undermining our soldiers and giving aid and comfort to our enemy. And, it's funny how liberals are always complaining that the US made a huge strategic blunder in invading and occupying Iraq and wasting untold blood and treasure, but did you ever once hear those liberals complain when the Soviet Union made the same sort of blunder in Afghanistan? I rest my case.
what case was that? Oh, ...the one in your speech.
After the case is rested, do you get to dismiss the class? or the case?
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